Monday, December 17, 2007

so windy, goodness

Why did I wake up at 8:30 in the morning. Sheesh. I'm still sleepy. But now I'm up and I can't go back to sleep! I hate when that happens. Now I'm going to be tired all day. AGAIN.

Mono, stop ruining my liiiiife.

Or lack of.

Can't really say I'm privelaged enough to have one. I don't even know if I spelled that right.


I'm really starting to feel bad about some things I said yesterday. I hope I didn't ruin anything. I'd be so upset if I did. Gosh.

Last thing I want to do is mess up things again. Like I haven't done that already. Geez. What is wrong with me?

I have ugggghhh so many things to worry about! Am I going back to school? Am I working? What do I do? When do I do it? Who am I? Whyyyyyy???

I need.. I need to sleep. I'm so sleepy. I shouldn't have woken up so early.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

first post!

I suppose this is my first post in this thing. I highly doubt anyone will read this so. But I guess that should make me feel more comfortable in writing here than in livejournal.

Ah, let's see.

Well I guess I can say at this point in my life, I don't know how to feel. So many things going on that I can't keep track of. My mind races and my heart doesn't know what to do. I'm a confused mess of mush, hahaha.

I don't like thinking I'm alone, but it's a sad reality that I know I must face. I always thought I had someone with me, by my side no matter the distance. But I can't say with a confident smile whether that's true or not. I've done so much to make things happen, I even tried believing to the point where I didn't know whether it was real or not. Maybe it's just because I'm so emotional and I like knowing my efforts aren't for naught that I look for approval; I like knowing I'm doing something right.

But I get no feedback, I get no thank you, nothing.

It hurts. It really does. Because then I take things the wrong way and I get so irational, that my feelings never make sense.

But I'm not someone who admits that I'm hurt. At least not to someone that I like to think I share my heart with. I don't like telling someone I care about that they've hurt me to the point where I cry.

Silly, my emotions.

However.. as silly as they are. I go by what they tell me. They're important to me.

One day... one day I wish to be loved by someone. Someone who loves me just as much as I love them. I wish to be protected and loved and cherished by this someone forever & ever.

That's really my only selfish wish. To have someone who loves me and would like to spend the rest of their life with me, despite my faults.